This is my open plea to God.

You know my heart, and You know the desires locked away in it. And right now, I should be sleeping, but I just can’t pretend any longer.

I’ve been pretending to not hurt. I’ve been pretending that none of my past “romances” influenced me. Truth is, they have. Lord, I am exhausted and You know it. I am tired of the rejection and questions and ups and downs. I am tired of the hurt. In all honesty, I do hurt.

It’s not easy understanding why people leave. It brings me to the point of questioning myself and whether I wasn’t good enough. You start seeing all you flaws and wonder if they left because they saw them too. And no matter who or what, whenever I’m by myself and the fall-back fills my veins, I will wonder why the hell I wasn’t enough for any of them. None of those hurts ever truly leave you, and Lord, I just want them to leave.

And Lord, even though we don’t speak anymore, I wish them all the best. I pray that the sun will never stop shining for them. And I know that I looked at them with a heart full of tears and a face full of smiles when they left. I am just that kind of girl. I will still look at you and smile when you hurt me.

But, Lord. I just want someone to genuinely care about me. Someone who will smile with me when the sun is shining and stay put when the storms rumble. Because, Lord, I give a wildfire but only receive a spark.

“The only downfall of having a good heart is that you’re constantly looking for angels inside of demons. And they wonder why the good knows so much pain…”

Lord, help me to lift my head up and stare at something beautiful. Help me to have the strength to take care of myself when the people around me is trying to bleed me dry. Lord, help me find the person who will make me feel like tomorrow isn’t JUST another day.

“We’re all trying to forget someone.”

Lord, let me understand that the next person who comes into my life is not there to replace what the last person took away. I need to fix myself with your help. Please, help me realize that if someone treats me like they don’t care, I should believe them.

To be honest, I quit every single day. But I will never give those people the satisfaction of knowing that they hurt me. Lord, help me to not walk away from myself to get closer to someone else.

I want to realize that I did the best that I could. I gave the best of me, and if that wasn’t enough, the problem was with them, not me. If they don’t appreciate my presence, they will feel my absence the way I felt theirs.

Yes, I look back because I am human. It hurts until it doesn’t. We pick our scabs because healing is uncomfortable. I now realize that sometimes people stop speaking the same language. You’re a chain smoker & I was just another box of cigarettes.


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