Hot Mess

Life became very messy recently.

I used to think I knew exactly where I was going with life, you know? I wanted to get a degree and me top of my class. I was going to graduate with flying colours and get married straight out of university to the love of my life. I was going to have a good job and live in a cute little apartment. I was going to be the envy of every person.

Now I’m a college dropout with no qualification. I lost an exquisite love, my heart abandoned my home town and stayed behind in a little 3 street town in the middle of nowhere. I might move to London, but I might not. My friends are miles away and I have no idea how to get to them. My world has ended and started many times. And I wandered so far that it’s a miracle I got back. And the one person I would have gone to with this a year ago, is not an option anymore.

And despite the uncertainty and scattered nature of my life, I have never been happier. I feel like myself. I feel like I’m not pretending anymore and I can just breath. There is no chance of disappointing anyone because there’s no chance. And I’m sorry that I didn’t turn out the way I was supposed to.

But you know what, I’m still breathing. I’m alive. And not just physically. I feel so alive. I will do things that most people never will. Things so many people are afraid to do. I have given up everything to figure my life out and that’s a lot more than most of you can say. So next time you look at me and think of me as a failed, washed up at 19, college dropout, just know that I’m okay with that because I’m the “leader of the not-coming-back’s” and I’m alright. And my life may be scattered, but I’m in charge of the mess now.

I’m breathing for once in my life.

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