You probably don’t remember

To him,

You will never know how much I cried today.

I’ve always had really good intuition, and I never ever listen to it. Today I realised it’s because I don’t want to hear the truth. I knew you wanted her but I just couldn’t bring myself to believe it. It’s also my fault for believing you when you swore you didn’t.

You probably don’t remember, but when we started dating I told you that I struggle to open up to people and I struggle to trust people. You probably don’t remember, but you swore I could trust you.

You probably don’t remember how it became easier and easier for me to talk to you, to trust you.

You probably don’t remember when you told me I am the most beautiful thing in the world, inside and out.

You probably don’t remember when you told me you never want me to float away.

You probably don’t remember that you told me I have the key to your heart.

And you definitely won’t remember telling me that I was everything you’ve been looking for.

You probably don’t remember, but I do.

I knew you’d move on but I honestly thought you’d have the decency to wait for me to leave. When you said you wouldn’t pick her, I believed you. I think that’s why I feel like someone punched a hole into my chest. Generally I’d be fine, but while I’m sitting on my floor writing this, I have never felt more numb and that’s saying a lot for someone who’s dealt with as much heartbreak as I have.

You have no idea what you did to me today. While you two were together, doing whatever you were doing, I was driving through Durban having the worst possible day ever, and I could show no emotion or inkling of pain. The moment I walked out of the office today, the tears ran freely. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I didn’t think it would be this difficult. I look at myself and I have no idea how I got here.

Thank you though, for making me realise I was right in thinking I can’t trust people. You did me a massive favour today.

I am so mad at myself, because through all the anger and wanting to punch you, I still hurt in the thought of leaving in 2 weeks. It’s beautiful, isn’t it? How badly it hurts but I never give up. So now I tell myself, “Stop being so weak. Get over it.” and hopefully I’ll never feel anything again. I feel all of this and you feel nothing. And I hate how you made me question myself when the problem was you all along. It hurts to think a man of such strength was too weak to care about someone who cared so much.

Thank you though, because I can now say with great certainty and absolute honesty that I didn’t know what love was until I knew what love was not.

To her,

I hope you know what you’re doing.

 

Love always,
J

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